Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex