The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
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Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on