*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.