I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
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Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”