hey, alexa
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
dads on road-trips be like
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.