The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed