(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
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Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
😂😂
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.