Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
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GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids