Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
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women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.