It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
They’re called werewolves.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My current situation
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
my dog when i have a friend over
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
*serious situation*
My brain:
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT