Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
You Might Also Like
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.