If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
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I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!