Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
You Might Also Like
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I have a black belt in leather
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.