*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I’m not stressed
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.