[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.