If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
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I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*