Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
You Might Also Like
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.