maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.