Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I ate everything, including the H.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked