[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
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*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Meowchelangelo
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents