I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
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*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Mad Max: Furry Road
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school