Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
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I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]