coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
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🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I put the mess in domestic.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Never let them know your next move 😂
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical