I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco