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With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Merry Christmas
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.