I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.