[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.