[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
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My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana