6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
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NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Krampus.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
forgive me baja for i have blast
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.