Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.