Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
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If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
#Caturday
Real House Wines.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever