The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
You Might Also Like
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.