I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
So the ex texted me
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.