police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8