I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
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the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
How do dragons blow out candles?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..