Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
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Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
peep davidson
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes