My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
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[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
That’s no pocket rocket.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off