Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
What number SPF blocks people?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.