subtitles are so good nowadays
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
#ProTip
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
3% human
97% stress
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.