Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
The biggest mystery of our time
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
me adding lol on a serious message
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.