me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
You Might Also Like
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM