Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
You Might Also Like
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.