A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
This forever.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before