May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
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Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
*offers Batman cough drops*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.