Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.