I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
how to exercise your calf muscles
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking