Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
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Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?