Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.