WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.