I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
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Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
nothing saves money like being antisocial